I honestly don’t know anymore. My last post was June 10 and it’s now June 26. There are only two classes left in this summer program, and I leave for home next Wednesday. There’s just one issue with that.
I don’t want to go home.
I know that sounds childish and potentially insulting to all those I’ve left at home, but it’s true. Every day since about the middle of last week has confirmed it. I want to freeze this moment and replay it over and over again. Last Friday would be ideal, if you want specifics. That was the day I went into San Francisco with some other program members and went on a tour of the literary places to be found there. I could have stayed at City Lights forever.
I know it’s unrealistic to think that everything would stay the same, even if I did stay here. My friends from the writing class are all going their separate ways, from Connecticut to San Diego to Montreal. But there are the odd Berkeley students who would still be here, not to mention the great teachers I’ve met in my time here. I can keep in touch with these people, but it won’t be the same as seeing them two to three times a week. Memories will fade. Faces will fade. It makes me sad.
Have you ever met someone and talked with them, really talked with them, and were amazed at their very existence? Like everyone else is only living halfway and they’re fully alive? Maybe it’s a thing only writers notice, but I’ve noticed that about some of the people I’ve met here. I don’t want to lose that, but I realize it’s inevitable. I’m beginning to hate that word. And endings, generally. I will most likely never see most of these people again. Never. Another hateful word.
But don’t get me wrong, it isn’t all bad. Next week I’ll be back with my family and friends, and this time I have so much more knowledge about creative writing and, I think, a revised outlook on life. Being in community with amazing writers for so long, listening to their work and talking with them, knowing they share my passion, has been life-changing. I guess some things won’t fade away. It’s just a shame anything has to.